The thing about grief & loss is they shatter you, ....but everything & everyone else keep moving. - so I kept moving, as best I could.
The process of my divorce has been nothing short of death. A death of me, of who I saw myself as, of my dream, of my partnership. It was the death of Us.
There is no easy way around it. Where I once saw refuge in the idea of growing old with my partner, it had become a fear that we would spend our remaining years unhappy because of one another. It was a fear all too encompassing, a fear that stripped me of the hope I once clung so tightly to.
Despite discussing - literally, for years - our need to address the weakening, to address our incapability to reach one another any longer, to address our broken places, ..we broke. I broke.
I absolutely broke. I felt like a bottle of those round, silver/mercurial cake decorations spilling onto the floor..... I couldnt grab my pieces quickly enough to gather myself back together. I was .....everywhere.
I didn't know where to begin, ..or end,... I was just EVERYWHERE. Bouncing, rolling, hiding, and yet RIGHT OUT THERE, exposed. Exposed to every other person in my life's opinion, and judgement and anger and wagging finger.....
Somebody yelled at me to "WAKE -UP!"
She told me to wake-up,.... but what she didn't know was that the nightmare surrounded me even in the brightest moments. I couldn't "wake-up".
THAT'S what I was attempting to do...
.....by ending what I had only ever wanted.
my Marriage, and Unity,.... to BELONG to someone and something.
I had felt myself going under,.... & in the beginning years of the end it was not silent,... I waved my arms, begged for help, cried for help. But in the end,....I went under silently. I let go. And the weight of the water, ...(my world around me) was crushing. So much pressure. No Grace anywhere.
There was no Grace to be had or found or extended, ...anywhere.
Just failure. All I knew was my crushing sorrow of having let go.
I felt as vulnerable as I did Fierce. I had had to make a change. I HAD HAD TO MAKE SOMETHING CHANGE. We could not live half alive any longer. He seemed ok with being half-awake, half-alive.. and so I let go and went under, ...thinking I may save us both. But just not knowing... I was scared with the idea of not knowing...
So, ... I am here, still, in this place of not knowing. I have to let go of my need to know, ...I'm doing my best to not NEED to know. I don't know why or how it ends. I am in the place of not needing or wanting to blame, or explain, or fix.
I have been standing still in this chaos.
I'm doing my best to stand in the chaos of Loss. I don't need to explain it. I need to witness it. Our loss of one another.
It began years ago,... loss. I was not the ultimate cause of it.
Forgiveness is in the understanding that I may never know why we hurt one another, or which one of us could have given more. It doesn't matter what story has been spun about the end,.. none of that matters. People create stories to divert pain & blame. None of that matters. I still find those tiny cake decorations of my Self ...scattered among the day to day of my life. ... constant reminders that we broke...that I spilled forth into pieces. Some days I ferverently try to collect myself back into the Whole I once was before I broke open, ...I try to imagine myself as that whole again, I can feel her. But most days, I have to remind myself that I was created as one tiny cake decoration at a time, .....purposefully, delicately, into a whole.
Death may have come to me,... it visits me, ... & I must believe in rebirth.. I must believe I will be beautiful...& whole, ...again