It, being my recreations of childhood loss. I no longer must create situations where love is unable to get through. .... unable to cross over.
That scenario is OLD. Old carnage, old karmic suit, ....old imprint. It is time to understand, and to feel, and accept.
No more perpetuating loss. What is,....IS.
While enjoying my coffee this morning, the above lighening bolt of clarity reached into my being. Shook me. (It was a "HOLY, M*ther of G" moment).
What I experienced - through my loss, & inconsistent relationship with Dad - (whom I loved & craved so much), ..what I experienced through our disconnection, I internalized as being a form of love, & comfort. It became the laudable image of the way love should FEEL.
And despite the tangible, palpable love being exuded from my mother, and sister, my friends,...despite ALL the beauty around me,.... well, .... somewhere deep inside, I imprinted inaccessability,... equalling love.
It has taken me... until this very morning, (w/ glimpses of this awakening through the past year), ...it has taken this LONG for me to see .... that I recreate this feeling because it is familiar. ....Because it is my understanding .... my definition of love.
Love is NOT this.
It is not.
This definition is NOT the way it should feel.
It is time to heal myself from the separations I experienced as a younger girl and woman. It is time to heal the wound. This separation is the ROOT of my greatest fear, & pain. It is the root of my sorrow. Love is not loneliness. Love is not ...every now and then,... love is constant, ... despite high odds.
Have courage. Jessica. ....LIVE your courage.
A valued mentor recently spoke, ...
"We have ways of avoiding our feelings. We have ways of avoiding our past, & life right now ...Life is saying, Uh, Uh, Uh, (wagging a finger towards us), ....